In previous posts I have talked about the guilt that I had after Paige was born. Not only was it overwhelming but it was unproductive and killing me slowly. It was hard but I let go of it and was quite proud. I have often been found on others blogs telling them that they too need to be free of it.
Yesterday, while doing the dishes, I turned to check on Tyler. Since he is usually half in the dishwasher removing the dirty dishes that I've just placed there, I was surprised to see him sitting on the kitchen floor. He was playing with a ray of sunshine that was coming through the window over the sink. He'd "catch" it and then let it go. He spent time holding up jars of food (the cabinet was now empty) and holding them in the ray of light. He even figured out how to hold the jar so the light would bend. I was in awe. (he's going to be a rocket scientist ya know-hehe) There he was, playing by himself, with sunshine! It was a beautiful experience.
So, boy was I shocked when I was slapped with the guilt that followed.
As I sat there and watched my breathtakingly adorable child find wonder with a ray of sun I was thinking to myself, "wow, he is so much easier than Paige! So this is what it was supposed to be like."
How dare I compare my children! Paige has gone through so much. It's no wonder why she had a hard time as an infant and toddler (any beyond). How dare I feel comfort that Tyler is so much easier.
I was a mess yesterday. There it was again. That damn guilt. I thought I had left it behind years ago!
As I tried to fall asleep I felt sick. I had a headache, my back hurt, my stomach hurt. Damn guilt.
Then I forced myself to say good bye to it again. Let's hope it's gone for good.