You Bought What?

If you are new to my blog and haven't read about what hubby felt he "needed"... start here.

I thought I'd share some valuable lessons I've learned lately.

When hubby says, "I think a plasma TV would look good on our bedroom wall.", it means that he has already thought it out, researched it and is fully intending to buy it. And, by simply telling me what he thought would look good on our bedroom wall meant (in his testosterone filled mind) that he discussed it with me and since I did not say "no, absolutely not, under no circumstances do I want you to spend that kind of money" must mean that I was on board with his decision.

Then, when hubby says that a new computer would be good so it can be hooked up to the plasma and act as a large monitor, it means, once again, that he has already put his plan into action.

Last week, I walked into the bedroom and found hubby ordering our new computer without my knowledge. I was a little upset (OK, maybe VERY upset. Um, ok, maybe it would have been good if "mother foxes" was already in my vocabulary-I may not have had to use its counterpart.).

See, even after 16 years of being together, I learned a lesson. When hubby casually mentions something, it means he is going to do it!

Here comes the humorous part...

We were in the parking lot of the store, after buying the plasma, when karma decided to remind hubby that life can smack you upside the head (especially if you upset your wife). Hubby lifted the plasma by himself (you didn't actually expect me to help him, did you?) into my car (I have the SUV) and tried to push it in. It didn't go. It didn't fit in my car!!!!!

I stood at the back of my car laughing hysterically. I am sure people could hear me from miles away. Hubby shot me "the look" but his face was red, from lifting the T.V. so it only made me laugh harder. He gave me "the look" again but by now there was no stopping my laughter. He tried saying,"Now is not the time for this." but to me, it was clearly the time. I was laughing so hard that I actually thought I may pee my pants.

Since we had taken 2 cars (so the kids could ride home-they wouldn't have fit in the SUV with the T.V.), Paige was already in hubby's car. She heard me laughing and saw what was happening. She started laughing too.

I got "the look" again. Nope, still didn't stop me.

"This is NOT funny!"

Since it really was hysterical, that line didn't work either.

I could not stop laughing.

Hubby finally decided to tilt the T.V. and prop it up.

My fun was over. (until I got in the car and Paige and I laughed about it all the way home-hehe)

Where did my husband go?

Boy, one aspect of having a preemie that I was not prepared for was how much my relationship with my husband would change.

Between dating and marriage-we had 7 years under our belt before Paige was born. 7 years and only 1 huge argument. No exaggeration-we really only had one major argument.

I was not prepared for the flood of emotions I would have towards him, during my hospitalization, the 78 days in the NICU and then during the first few months after bringing her home.

During my hospitalization (3 1/2 weeks total), he stayed with me. 24/7 He took a leave of absence from work and stayed in the hospital with me. I loved him so much more than I ever thought possible. I can remember being filled with such strong love that it was overwhelming. I cried tears of joy and gratitude about him, on many days.

The months in the NICU were hard on both of us. He went back to work and I stayed home, by myself, with no way to get to the NICU (the hospital was 90 minutes away and I gave up my company car knowing I wouldn't be returning to work). We would go to the hospital as much as possible but I started to feel like I had abandoned by child. He didn't feel this way. This was the start of the separation in our coping mechanisms. We had always been on the same page and that was gone.

After Paige came home the gap between us widened. He went to work and I stayed home with Paige. Therapy 5 days a week, in our home, many doc visits, specialists, medicines, monitors, floods of emotions-I felt alone. He would come home from work, help with Paige and then go to bed. I can still remember the first time he said, "I have to get sleep. I have to work tomorrow." Paige didn't sleep at night and hardly slept during the day. When she was awake she cried almost every moment. I couldn't hug her due to her severe sensory issues. So, I was alone with a screaming baby, who couldn't be comforted, day and night. One morning hubby came down the stairs to leave for work and I was on the floor crying and Paige was on the couch crying (she was still an infant). He said something like, "maybe I should stay home today." I screamed something like, "you think??!!"

As the years went by it seemed impossible to work on our relationship. Everything focused around Paige's care. Everything. We were stressed because of the lack of money. I was stressed because I was the main caregiver to Paige and felt that I never got a break. Both of us didn't feel comfortable leaving her with anyone, even though we had grandparents who were quite capable of taking care of her.

Then there was the emotions of grieving the loss of the dream of having more children. Neither of us was ever on the same page when it came to be daring enough to try again. Considering men (and some women) feel the most emotionally connected to their partner when they are having sex... well, let's just say we were not connecting. It wasn't hubby. It was all me.

As Paige got older, her mental health issues got worse, as did her medical care. Epilepsy, anxiety issues, OCD, possible mito diagnosis, GI, blah, blah, blah-you get the picture. I was always the one taking her to doc appointments, doing all of the research, taking care of paying the bills, etc. He was at work and somehow I found that to be his fault.

The "us" in our relationship became obsolete. It was hard to stay together, especially since we saw so many other preemie parents getting divorced.

Both of us were feeling like the other wasn't doing their share. When, in reality, we were both doing more than our share. There was just too much to do. Too much stress. Too much worry. Too much of everything.

I still don't know exactly what changed in us. I do know a few things that helped. We started letting grandparents babysit. We couldn't afford to go anywhere so many times we just sat and watched television together. We also started trading days on the weekends. This is something we still do to this day. Saturday is his day to sleep in and Sunday is mine. No exceptions. One of us cannot plan a family outing or make other plans on the other one's day to sleep in. I look so forward to Sunday mornings!!

Another thing I had to do was accept that our coping mechanisms were completely opposite. I am the researcher and he is not. I learned that it did not mean that he loved Paige or me any less. My hubby is very good at "ignoring it and it will go away." I am not. We are different and that is ok.

We were back on track.

Then I became pregnant. Hubby said, "don't worry. it will all be ok." (who is this man? has that line ever worked on me?? if you can't produce hard facts as to why it's going to be ok then shut up!) When it came time to have the "talk" about our cutoff, should something happen to my pregnancy, he refused to even discuss it. I was devastated. I *needed* to discuss it in order for me to let go of the worry. Every time I started the conversation, he would stop it. I was back to feeling alone. I could have let myself drift back to that ugly time between us, but I didn't allow it. I just told him my wishes (I've discussed this in previous posts) and then told my OB. To this day I wonder what would have happened had he been forced to make that decision, if I wasn't around.

Over the past 8 1/2 years there have been many arguments. Many battles. I'm thankful for the first 7 years that we had, turmoil free. It's those very years that get me through the ones that lie ahead.

You Need What?

We interrupt our regularly scheduled programming so I can publicly tease my husband.

Sorry everyone, but I just have to do it. So, if you are looking for a post on prematurity, check back in a few days. If you want to stick around and see what I deal with on a daily basis... read on.

I should start by saying that I love my husband very much. I married my best friend almost 13 years ago, after dating for 3 years and getting to know him 5 years prior to dating. I can honestly say that I knew what I was getting in to.

That is, until he started working in an industry that is his passion.

Why is this bad you ask?

Unfortunately for our finances, hubby designs home theater systems (among other systems) for a large corporation that sells to installers. He loves his job and loves the technology. It is not uncommon for hubby to come home and say something like, "We are going to start carrying xyz brand of plasmas so I think I'm going to get one." (which, by the way, translates to "I really want one, can I have it?") He's been employed in this industry, in various forms, for 12 years. When he was transferred, we had a house built with a room in the walk out basement that was surrounded in cement-no windows-for his theater. We have speakers throughout our house with remotes that control all of them. Even our light switches can be controlled by remotes. We won't have a lock on our theather... we'll have a fingerprint reader! Want to ring our doorbell? You won't find one. You have to push a 'call' button that rings our phones. I can talk to the stranger on the other side of the door. (ok I love this one)

I thought I had heard it all.

The other evening hubby came out of his nightly shower and, with confidence, told me, "We need a television in the bathroom. I can get a good size LCD from work." I could tell that he had really thought this through and believed that he really *needed* one.

I must have had quite a look on my face because he quickly continued his argument (he was prepared for my opposition) by saying, "There's nothing to do in the shower. I can run the TV off of the satellite."

Nothing to do in the shower?! Was this seriously his best argument? I didn't know what to say. He was staring at me like he had just delivered the best convincing speech as to why he needed his new toy. If you have ever seen "A Christmas Story", the scene where Ralphy is turning in his theme on what he wanted for Christmas, and is smiling ear to ear with pride... that was my husband. He was lost in the moment.

I started laughing. The more he kept on delivering different reasons for his potential new purchase, the more I laughed. The more he was getting aggravated, the more I laughed.

He returned to the bathroom and I returned to working on my laptop, where I was paying bills. Yes, I was paying bills when he asked me for a television in the bathroom! That was his crucial mistake in his plight. I couldn't even figure out where I was going to get money to pay the huge medical bill from Paige's last GI test and he wants a television in the bathroom!

Poor hubby. He has to take a boring old shower every night and his wife won't let him have a television to watch.