It's a monster.
It controls Paige's life. Every aspect. Every move she makes. Every move we make.
I've waited to post this because we were trying so hard to focus on the good news at school. But, OCD doesn't care about the good news. That freakin monster never sleeps.
Her arms and legs have sores all over them. She picks the scabs because OCD tells her to. Her clothes have blood stained spots on them. Her sheets too.
Last week OCD told her to get killed. Hubby and I were walking in the parking lot, talking to her and then she was gone. We turned around to find her in the middle of the lot. We yelled to her to come back to us. She cried and explained that her OCD thoughts told her "to run into the parking lot and get killed."
She tries to fight this monster. She really does. But, according to her, the harder she fights, the stronger and louder the OCD thoughts get. She tries to give in to it, just a little, to make the thoughts go away.
She came home Friday, after spending a few days with her grandparents. She had a lot of fun. They treat her really good and she loves being there.
After a few moments of being home she started to cry. She climbed up on my lap and was shaking, her arms spotted with bloody scabs.
She begged me to help her stop.
She begged me to find a different medicine.
She begged me to stop the thoughts.
She fought so hard to control the picking while she was at her grandparents house. Now that she was home the floodgates were opened. Normally we tell her not to pick but to fight the monster instead. We encourage her and tell her that her brain is in control and she can beat the OCD monster. But, that day she was losing. By telling her to fight it, it caused the monster to get stronger. So, we told her to go ahead and pick. She was so relieved. The look on her face was one that we hadn't seen in so long. Even though the monster was winning and she had open boo boos, she was relieved to not have to fight.
We took her out to her favorite place to eat and then kept her busy by going to a few stores and being silly in the car on the way home. It was nice to hear her laugh so much.
But, when we got home she sat by me and begged again.
"Help me Mom."
I'm really trying Paige.