Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Tears of Sadness-Tears of Joy

The past 24 hours has been incredibly emotionally draining for me. Yesterday was bad. Really bad. The fear of what the future will hold for my child is overwhelming at times. I fear what will happen when I am not around to protect her from herself. I am not a person who cries much. There hasn't been time for it. I made up for lost time last night. Thank you to all of you who reached out to me via the blog, email and Facebook.

The morning came quickly. Opening my eyes and facing the day was difficult today. I wondered what kind of mood Paige was going to be in and was formulating a plan on how to handle her when I heard her getting up. She came in to my room, rubbing the night out of her eyes and skipping.

"Mom, I am really sorry for last night. I don't know what was the matter with me. Thank you for checking on me during the night."

It was a new day for her and she was happy. The night had healed her spirit. For this I was thankful but was left wondering why the night hadn't healed my spirit.

I put on a brave face and started the day knowing what was coming... and ice skating field trip.

For those of you who need to catch up... Paige's eye doc told us to not allow her to do any sports where she might hit her head since she is at risk for retinal detachment. When the field trip came up, I was hesitant. It was a big risk in my opinion but after talking to several people, it was brought to my attention that I may be a tad neurotic. I decided to take her.

For weeks Paige has been looking forward to ice skating. She had never tried it before but was so excited that she couldn't wait to get out of the house. She was sure that she would master the skills she needed, in a matter of one day. I tried telling her how hard it was. I used to skate and understand the frustration that comes with learning how to stay perpendicular to the floor.

Not only was I worried about her eyes, I was worried about her self esteem. Her legs are not strong. Her ankles are not strong. Geesh... we are talking about a child with mild CP after all.

We dropped off Tyler at Grandma's and headed to the rink.

I tried giving her a pre-skate pep talk which involved the usual parent gibberish. "Now don't forget that you've never done this before. You are going to fall. A lot. But, please be proud of yourself for trying. I'm proud of you already."

"Mom, I had a dream last night that I could skate well. It is giving me inspiration."


We ate a yummy lunch at the rink before skating.

The skates are on!

First steps on the ice

I took this video with my digital camera and the battery was dying (I think that's why the audio doesn't match with the video). This was 20 minutes into skating.

Then came my tears of joy. Watch her face! She is so excited!! I stood on the side sobbing. And yet again, it was an ugly cry. hehe I was finally relaxed and happy with my decision to allow her to go skating. I fought the neurotic preemie parent side of my brain and I was glad that I had!

Be sure to watch the very end to see what happened.

Yes, my worst fear was realized. She hit her head! She freaked out. I almost threw up. She proceeded to scream for what seemed like an eternity. When she calmed down a bit I asked her if she was crying because she was really hurt or because she was afraid for her eyes. Her response (given through increased tears), "I'm afraid you are going to make me leave!" That's my tough cookie!!

She ended up skating and falling for the next 90 minutes. She was awesome! She had a blast and left feeling on top of the world.

Oh the tears sure have been flowing over the past 24 hours. I'm just thankful that, for today, they were tears of joy!


Fanciful Expressions said...

We're about as proud as grandparent's can possibly be. Paige is the most inspiring child that I've ever come across.( I'm trying not to be biased )
She's never afraid to try anything. I know she'll succeed at whatever she wants to do in life because she is truly a fighter. It's going to be a difficult journey for you because as a mom you will want to protect her (I don't blame you for that) and I think she's just gonna want to go out and eat up life.You're both great parents and I'm proud of you for raising my grandchildren with such zest. Thank you for that.

Grandma and Grandpa Joe

Nancy said...

The look of excitement on her face is truly amazing!! When she skated over to you and squealed and smiled, it actually made me squeal too!

I think lessons might be in order??

The Snyder's said...

HOW AMAZING!! Thanks For sharing the videos... It is amazing how you have raised her to try anything.. may God continue to give you the strength that you need as Paige is getting older.. God Bless..

MommaWriter said...

Yessss! I'm glad it was a good day!


RhondaLue said...

WOWEEEE! She skates better than I ever have! I still am on the ice freezing more than on my feet gliding. Which is why I don't even try anymore. lol

That's SO cool. good for her!

Susie Korbel said...

She looks so happy. I know you can't always take away her pain, but at least you can share those moments of delight and wonder with her.

Anonymous said...

Wow, what an uplifting post! It's so great that Paige is able to push herself to be able to enjoy new experiences like this. And yes, it is completely normal that you, as her mom, worry about her - especially after a difficult night like that - but her attitude for the skating trip shows that you're definitely doing something right as a parent, that she can enjoy that new learning process. Smiles to both of you!


Anonymous said...

Helen Harrison writes:

Congratulations to Paige and to you, Stacy!

The strength and perseverance and the joy are awesome!!!

Power to the preemies! And their parents, and their grandparents!


Kristie said...


Wow! I'm glad you guys managed to have such a fantastic day after what you both went through last night!

The whole head hitting thing would have freaked me out too. It's so easy to do when you slip off the back of your blades. I think you were both very brave!


Eleanor said...

YAY! Way to go Paige!
Her excitement was so palpable, I was grinning all the way!

What a roller coaster ride parenting these kids is - lows of the day before to the high of the rink!
Grab the moments and enjoy them - you both deserve it!

Catherine said...

Stacy, in our area, they like beginners to wear bicycle helmets. Required, in fact, when you sign up kids for their Learn To Skate lessons. I also had mine wear ski pants when they skated.

Page looks like she is loving it!Way to go, girl!

Anonymous said...

Wow!! I read your blog all the time but have never written a comment. Those video clips are amazing. My 10 year old preemie has been ice-skating several times and can't skate nearly that well. Congratulations Paige!

Anonymous said...

TPD. Good for Paige, it sounds like a lot of fun. But, I was surprised that with all of the things you have been through, you did not put a helmet on that precious head!

tbonegrl said...

I am so sorry I missed the last post and wasn't able to offer you support when you needed it. I want you to know, I grinned so wide to see the joy in here face. You are an amazing parent, don't ever forget that!

Patricia said...

Watching that made me cry. Good for Paige. Good for you.

Anonymous said...

I had a horrible experience the first time I was on skates, I was 10, clumsy, with weak ankles and no equilibrium worth the name, I spent the afternoon falling and falling and sitting on the ice, with my friends teasing me. I tried again only last month, now I'm 39, and it went much better. I'm happy Paige managed so well, it was amazing to see the movies.

Mom to Lilike (Lily) Locke and Anjeni-Katalin said...

Awesome very well done Paige shes looks so confident and bright and happy :)

Im thinking ice skating would be good for Lilike to as I know shes looking forward to swimming with her school. Wanted her to ice skate for a while but to afraidshe will fall and hurt herself, as a baby I wanted her to do baby swimming lessons but was afraid she woudl egt an infection from the pool water shared with every other baby/child. Because she was born with the possibility of sepsis, prompt iv antibiotics sepsis nay have not been picked up through a full blood sample rather then tiny pin pricks of blood from heel sticks. She had all the signs of sepsis on her day of birth. Rapid breathing (rib retractions)when admitted to the NNU at an hour old and very pale at birth and a low temperature upon admittance to NNU at 1 hour old, not really crying much except one small cry after birth and after being born very sleepy then for a little while was alert after birth was very sleepy again and still pale and breathing faster.