Last year I wrote about hubby, in a post titled "Where did my husband go?"
Recently I've been thinking... where did I go?
It all started a few weeks ago. Hubby and I were watching T.V., after the kids were in bed, when he tickled me. I laughed and hubby said, "I love hearing you laugh." I loved it too but it seemed a bit foreign. Since we entered into the world of prematurity we have had many good times as a family. It hasn't all been hard. But, I do remember when I use to laugh all of the time. I was that person who woke up in the morning with a smile on my face and ready to go. You know the type, tries to spread morning sunshine to everyone. (now I want to strangle that type of person)
Many people change after having (typical/healthy) children, but their "core self" seems to stay the same. You drop your child off at the babysitter (or put the kids to bed); you and hubby then jump back into your former selves and have a nice time while out to dinner or even simply watching television together. Yes, you are not the exact same person that you were before kids, but you can get back to that place in your lives with a bit of ease.
When you have a child born under different circumstances or have a child with long term issues, the lines surrounding your "core self" change. Blur, if you will. The blurred perimeter gets wider as the years go by until the core itself is also blurry.
Who was I? What did I do with my time before doc visits, research, kissing boo-boos, med management, etc.? I know I used to laugh a lot.
What did I do before prematurity was my focus? I know I had other passions. I know I cared about other causes.
Last night I spoke in front of the school board. It was unscripted (something that never makes me nervous-I know, I know, I'm odd). As I was talking, it started to come back to me. Wait a minute, maybe *I* am still in here somewhere!
The past 9 years have changed me. There is no denying this. Some areas of change were for the better and some were not. I love my children and would gladly accept the typical change one experiences after becoming a parent.
But, after experiencing the fun and laughter alone with hubby and the rush of publicly speaking about other passions, I'm hoping the blurred perimeter of my core self continues to narrow!