"Are you going to have any more children?"
That question, no matter who asked it, would incite a rage inside of me, like nothing else I ever felt. How could we possibly bring another child into this world knowing that the chance of it being born premature was extremely high? The simple answer... we couldn't do it.
We sure did want more children. I love being a mother and hubby is a great father. As a little girl I always pictured myself as a mother of 2 children. Ok so I also pictured myself living in the middle of a huge field that had tall grass that would blow in the wind. I would sit and watch my children run through that tall grass and I would soak up the beauty of the sun and how it reflected off of their golden hair. Then I grew up and realized that life was not like the Little House on the Prairie.
As the years passed I dealt with all of the anger, sadness, depression, that came along with the decision to not have any more children. By the summer of 2005 I was pretty much healed. So, I sold all of the baby items that I thought I needed to keep. It was that last step in wrapping my head around the knowledge that we would only have one child.
At the end of that summer I started feeling sick. Missed periods, major cramping, constant urination, nausea, constant crying (all speaking engagement were now out of the question-no one could understand me through the uncontrollable sobbing). Just for ha-ha's I took a pregnancy test, 2 of them actually and they were both negative. Off to the doctor I went convinced that I had some sort of cancer or tumor.
"Congratulations you're pregnant" said this cheerful voice. "I'm WHAT?"
After nearly passing out of the floor, the next leg of my journey began, nearly 7 years after the birth of my daughter. After finding the right doctor and hospital (we moved to a new state just 10 months before getting this big news) I was determined to not allow my 2nd child to be a part of the preemie experiment. I chose a hospital that did *not* have a level 3 NICU. I knew that, if needed, my little one could be transported across the street. I chose a high risk doctor that understood our wishes-no resuscitation before 25 weeks. She also understood that I was not to have mag sulfate, under any circumstances. She also agreed to tie my tubes during my c-section. (other docs refused to do this because they felt I was too young... I'm in my late 30's!)
My daughter was a nervous wreck my entire pregnancy. One day, while rubbing my belly she said, "baby brother please stay in there as long as you can because it's so hard to be a preemie."
It was a very hard pregnancy with many complications (list too long to mention) but I made it to 35.4 weeks. As of now, his only preemie complication is severe reflux. He is 8 months old and the light of our lives. I am so very thankful that he was a surprise.
The baby factory is officially closed!