Sunday, August 3, 2008

"When is my next test Mom?"

Below is a conversation between Paige and I while she was in the chair, at the dentist, waiting for the numbness to take effect, to get her tooth pulled.

Mom, when is my next test?

What test Paige? (thinking she was talking about homeschooling)

Any test.

(I paused to think) Hey, guess what? You don't have ANY tests scheduled. Wow, that must feel good.

But what about my EEG's?

You don't have one scheduled.

But I'm supposed to have one every year. The last one showed spikes.

Paige, they always show spikes. Remember the doctor said that they would always show spikes but that doesn't mean that you are having seizures. He said that we didn't need to come back unless we thought you were having seizures.

What about my blood tests Mom? Or my MRI's?

Nope. You don't need any.

But what about...

Honey, you really do not need any tests right now. You are doing great.

The dentist walks in. She tries to pull Paige's tooth but Paige ended up needing more novacaine (or whatever "caine" they use now). After 4 or 5 shots Paige is finally numb. The dentist struggles to get the tooth out (it was a back tooth that had such a bad infection that even a pulpectomy didn't work). Paige never struggles or cries even though the dentist really has to work the tooth to get it out. The dentist looks concerned but finally gets the tooth out. The dentist was visibly shaken. I wanted to cry. I have seen Paige endure a lot of medical procedures but this was harsh. Her little head was really being thrashed. Her small mouth was stretched so wide. It was horrific. But Paige remained calm.

The dentist leaves the room. Paige tries to sit up and her entire body starts to shake. Her eyes roll. This lasts for less than a minute. She whimpers, "mom, why am I shaking?". A few minutes later she sits up like nothing happened. The dentist came back in with Paige's tooth, all cleaned up. Paige spends a few minutes examining it with great excitement and then hops out of the chair and skips to the waiting room. While I'm making her next appointment (to get her spacer) she yells from the waiting room...

Mom, you forgot about my eye test. See, I knew I had a test coming.

When we got home she curled up on the couch for a short time but then decided to get up and play with her cousin. That was it. Through all of that trauma she only needed a few minutes to rest and she was fine. It was a huge tooth. But the trauma was all ours (mine and the dentist).

After we put the kids to bed I fell apart. Sobbing uncontrollably. Poor hubby didn't know what to do since I'm usually a rock when it comes to her medical procedures. I've had to be that way.

It was then that it hit me about my conversation with Paige. I was feeling so overwelmed after watching the procedure but also feeling overjoyed that we didn't have a test scheduled. This is the first time in 9 1/2 years that we don't have an upcoming test or procedure. The first time that I don't have to prepare myself to watch my baby be stuck with a needle or jammed with a tube.

So why was she troubled by the lack of medical intervention in her life? You would think she would be relieved. To be honest, she is never stressed when she has tests (barium enema excluded) but you would still think that her joy would match mine. Actually it should have been greater.

But, it's all she has known.

(For those who have known us for awhile and remember that the docs said she may very well have orthostatic intollerance... hmmm do we really need a tilt table test now? I think her reaction after being sat up in the chair says it all. Who needs an expensive test. lol)


Kevin LaRose said...

Reading this, and seeing you in action in Louisville last month, I can see what a great mom you are. What is particularly great to see is that you don't let your own fears and doubts get in the way of Paige being Paige. I see once again how important that is now that I'm going through yet another round of frustration with my mom. It takes a lot of strength to let Paige be, to let her explore her horizons and not impose yourself in them. The sky's the limit for Paige, thanks to you and Jason. Maybe you can give my mom parenting lessons, or maybe lessons in letting an approaching-middle-age offspring make their own choices, even if you might think they're wrong? But I digress. *G* Just don't ever change, okay? Give Paige a hug for me.

ThePreemie Experiment said...

You have no idea how much I needed that Kevin!

I actually try, very hard, to make sure my insecurities are not clouding her life. I've written here about my fears that she will never live on her own but they are just that *MY* fears. I always make sure I talk to her with zero hint of my fears in my voice.

But, I recently made a huge parenting mistake. A big one in my book. I'll be writing about it soon.

I hope your mom comes around. After meeting you and talking at length with you, I can say that she should be proud of what you have become and the spirit that shines inside of you. You can do whatever you want Kevin. If your mom will not let you move on, you need to do it anyways. I know you will not have her best wishes but she will eventually come around when she sees how truly independent you are!!

Sending hugs your way!! (and would love to give you some in person if you would only hop on a plane and come to the upcoming conference) lol

mom to lilike, locke and anjeni said...

awwww what a brave little girl Paige is a preemie that has been through so much with tests and procedures. Seeing Lilike stuck with failed iv attempts and heel sticks was awful to watch for 7 days so they could always check for infection while treating her as if she had an infection just incase she did have one to begin with all because of a high white cell count of a band nutrophil of 70% on her day of birth. And the 23-28% oxygen she needed for a night into the early morning.

mom to lilike locke and anjeni said...

Im so glad it was over pretty soon for hee thanks to the doctors letting her go home as the nurses wanted lilike to stay on an iv still of antibiotics with noi real proof she was sick.

Sarah Blake said...

Hey, Stacy. :)

I think all parents make mistakes--sometimes huge ones. It takes guts to face them. They don't have to scar kids for life. The vast, vast majority don't, and most often you really do hurt a lot more than Paige will hurt three years down the road, even if she thinks about what happened a lot right now. (Remember my brain works a lot like hers at times.)

I think Paige is too stubborn not to live on her own. :) You have lots of time to teach her ot develop a good support system, and that is the most important gift you can give her. She's a smart girl and very self-aware, and that will serve her well if she can learn how to use it to her advantage and not let it run her life.

Corinn said...

What, none of your friends have recliners? Do the test yourself. :-D

And seriously, whatever you're referring to, it's part of parenting. Trust me.